Living the Dream
by SomewhereBeyondReality
Summary: "Nothing stays the same, even when you wish it did." Ten years after the finale, Carly and Freddie have followed different paths. She's a Hollywood celebrity, he's a common grad student. Things between them were never simple. Short two shot. Creddie.
1. Chapter 1

"_And this has been...ICarly."_

All good things must come to an end. That was true for everyone, even a certain mischievous, close-knit, webcasting trio.

And the end for them was graduation.

Living with her dad was a mistake. Colonel Shay had been away for too long to just bounce back into his daughter's life. The second the High School diploma was in her hands, Carly left Italy and headed back to Seattle and her friends.

But nothing says the same. (Even if you wish it did).

They planned to go to College together, Freddie's grades had been outstanding as usual, Carly's were at least adequate and despite her weighty criminal record Sam had her own way of 'sorting it out'. The future was set.

Life however had other plans. Namely in the form of a slick Hollywood director and long-time ICarly fan, who offered her and Sam roles in an upcoming comedy series and signed Freddie on as an in-training technical producer.

They'd be stupid to say no. So the three of them moved to LA and immersed themselves in the celebrity world way, way way beyond iCarly. The dramas of running a web show were nothing compared to the intricacies of agents, contracts auditions, TV interviews, the paparazzi and everything else that came with the glamour of Hollywood.

Sam barely made it 9 months. She wasn't made for the attention and the glamour and the pressure. Her role was a bust, and she refused future auditions. Instead, she started a babysitting business with Cat Valentine of all people. _Babysitting. _Sam. Weird. (But at least she was happy).

Freddie left after six years. He established himself as a brilliant producer and director, and rose up the ranks fast. But he hated the celebrity life and all the backbiting and pettiness that came with it. He'd loved ICarly for so long because it was _real_ and it was _them_: just three teenagers holed up in the attic carving out their place in the world. Hollywood wasn't like that and honestly, it wasn't where he belonged anymore. Carly had tried to convince him otherwise but he'd matured from the Freddie that obeyed her every pout and refused. He left the same night and went to study Computer Science at MIT.

Carly stuck it out. She was good with the press and the Hollywood 'people', America's darling they called her: Sweet, adorable, perfect.

And she was happy. She was.

Really.

X-X

"But James." She tried again. "I'm not really in the mood for –"

"Carly." Her boyfriend said wearily. "You know this party is important. For both of us."

She clutched the phone so hard the plastic buckled. "_All_ these parties are important. Can't we miss just _one _of them and have the night to ourselves? Please."

He sighed down the receiver. "Stop sounding so needy babe. If you don't want to go, I won't make you. I'd hate to force you to do something you didn't want to do."

"Thanks."

"After all relationships are all about compromise. So if you really, really want me to stay with you I will. I'm not afraid to put _you_ ahead of my needs babe. If getting pizza is important fine, we'll do that. Maybe I'll see this director at another party."

There was a pause. Tears pricked behind her eyes.

"Babe? You ok?"

"Fine." She said quickly. "And let's just go to this party. Sitting in is a waste of time."

"Ok babe, if that's what you want. See you tomorrow. Love you."

"Love you too."

She slammed the phone down.

Four years after Freddie Benson left Hollywood, America's Darling Carly Shay– buried her face in her hands and cried.

She was being stupid.

What did she have to cry about? International celebrities, stars of legendary web shows and thrice recipients of the 'America's Most Dateable Woman' award had _no _excuse to cry.

Carly had made her name in television, films and musicals. She had an incredible apartment, an ever increasing bank account and of course _James_.

Amazing James. Lovely James. Hot, rich, actor-model James.

(James, who she hadn't stopped fighting with since they got together. Whose parties made her want to scream rather than dance. James who _encouraged_ the horrible paparazzi rather than avoiding them).

But he had nothing to do with this crying fit. It was hormones. Or maybe exhaustion.

Nothing else.

A knock at the door broke into her thoughts. The knock was quiet and cautious, almost like a tap; totally unlike James's confident rapping or her Agent Hannah's intense pounding. Carly raised her head and blinked in confusion; if it wasn't James and it wasn't Hannah...

The person tapped again and she stood up, quickly wiping her eyes and making her way across the room. Sam? Spencer? Gibby? They were all still in Seattle as far as she knew so unless it was a surprise visit...

With more eagerness than before she reached for the handle and swung the door open.

_Freddie._

For a moment she just stared at him, frozen.

"Um...hey." He said awkwardly.

She swallowed. "Hi."

"Sorry to jump on you like this," he apologized, gesturing to the duffel bag at his feet. "And I promise I'm not staying. I was just in the neighbourhood and thought I'd...visit. Can I come in?"

Carly swallowed again, licked her lips and finally nodded. "Um, sure: just make yourself at home."

"Thanks."

He hoisted the bag on his shoulder and trekked inside. She turned away for a second and breathed deeply as she closed the door. She could do this; it was only her oldest friend for crying out loud!

"Put your stuff anywhere," she called, relieved to find her voice had returned. "And take a seat; I'll bring you a drink. Soda or juice?"

"Um, soda would be great."

He settled down on the leather couch (squirming uncomfortably as he did so) and she went to raid the kitchen, taking the opportunity to observe him. Dressed in a blue t-shirt and jeans, he hadn't changed much during the last four years. His hair was slightly longer and his cheekbones had hardened but apart from that he was still the geeky tech guy of high school ago. (Was that over a decade ago now? God).

She'd forgotten how short he was though: James at six foot six made Freddie look like a midget.

Where did that comparison come from? James and_ Freddie_? She didn't even want to go there; it would be like contrasting James Bond Action Hero and The Extra Man #4 in the marketplace scene. (If her life was a movie that was).

Trying to distract herself, Carly rummaged in the fridge, searching for some drinks. Unfortunately finding half a cup of soda would be lucky and her bottle of juice was already three weeks past its sell by date.

"Sorry we're out for now," she said, running the tap. "Is water ok?"

"Water's cool."

She carried the glass over and sat down next to him. An awkward silence ensued.

"I hope I'm not disturbing anything." He said at last. "If you had friends coming over or something."

"No, no it's fine. I was just having a...quiet night."

"Well, I guess I'm lucky then: I know what you're like inviting half the neighbourhood over. You never could stand the apartment empty. Spencer always said he didn't recognise me and Sam _not _on your couch."

Carly laughed but cringed inwardly. Honestly she couldn't remember the last time she'd had people over for anything. Dropping in casually wasn't really done in L.A. These days she was either at a party with James or eating take out alone. What happened to the Carly whose home was open to all?

"How is Sam anyway?" She asked_. "_It's been forever since I've talked to her."

"She's good," Freddie said, "Busy obviously, with her babysitting business, but she's good. Having fun."

"Apparently she's been making quite a name for herself out there."

"Well this _is _Sam; can you imagine her _not_ making a name for herself?"

The two of them laughed together and Carly relaxed: it was fine. This was _Freddie,_ the one person she'd always been completely comfortable with. Yes it had been a shock to find him on her doorstep and only natural to panic but she'd calmed down enough now to enjoy the surprise.

"So:" She said, leaning back her head and smiling. "What about you? It's been what? Four years? You must be close to finishing your degree now."

"Graduated last week." He said proudly, "Got the diploma and all of that yadi yada."

"You should have called! We could have come watched."

"And have Sam pelt fruit at me while I walked across the stage? No thanks."

"Aw, it's all part of the fun."

"Riiiight..."

They quickly settled back into the easy banter of ten years ago, trading old stories and jokes. He told her about his life at College (she zoned out when it got too technical) and his plans for the summer. (He wanted to travel around Europe).

She told him about people in L.A and James but managed to deflect most questions relating to her own life. Eventually when exhaustion began to kick in they ended up sprawled on the couch, a bowl of popcorn wedged between them (practically the only food she could find), channel hopping.

"I know you're in the media now and I should probably be impressed by that," Freddie commented, as she flicked from channel 421 to 422. "But how can there be so much TV on and it's all _crap_?"

She elbowed him in the ribs. "Shut up! You'd better be glad Sam isn't here to hear that."

"You really think I'd say it around – ow! Stop it."

She laughed again and turned the TV off, swivelling on her bum muscles to face him. Freddie smiled at her and yawned.

"Obviously all the good entertainment ended with ICarly." He said. "Anyway, I'd better run. It's getting kind of late."

"How long are you here for?" She asked, oddly reluctant to see him go.

"About a week," He said, "Then I'm heading home to pack up the last of my things and start the _real _travelling."

"Where are you staying?"

He shrugged, stood up and reached for his bag. "I don't know yet: I checked out some places to stay before I arrived, I can book in with one of them."

"Why don't you stay here?" She offered, "I have a spare room and that would save money for your big trip."

He studied her for a moment, frowning. She bit her lip and gazed back, trying not to look away. His stare was far more direct than it had been four years before: not calculating like most people in L.A but assured and quietly thoughtful like he could analyze people the way he analyzed machines.

"Sure." He said at last, "Actually, that would be great– thanks."

"No problem." she gestured down a hallway, "Come on, this way."

X-X

Freddie quickly settled into Carly's life again (she kept reminding herself he was only stayingfor a week).

It had surprised Carly how keenly she missed Freddie, he'd always been a part of her life Primary school, middle school, high school...and she didn't realize how much she'd taken him for granted. He was kind of like the technical side of ICarly. She and Sam got the credit for the show's success but it depended on Freddie and his equipment quietly working behind the scenes. After he left her life felt like that: what's the point of performing if the real message couldn't find its way out? A show is only a show with two parts – someone to make action and someone to watch.

They'd kept in contact after he left Hollywood; he emailed – she replied, she phoned – he called back, but Carly was part of the life he tried to escape so the connection was tense**.**

If Carly was honest (not that she ever was these days) she'd admit she was jealous of Freddie. It sounds stupid of course; what was a _computer science _degreecompared to her life?

But despite all of that she _was _jealous because Freddie had_ control_ over his life. He had the guts to say that he didn't want this – as glamorous as it was – and to go out and do something he _really_ loved. She wished she could be like that and since he left the thought of copying him had occurred to her frequently.

But the idea had just become a wistful dream: the type girls had about being singers or actresses when they grew up. (The irony of having become a dreamer _within_ a 'dream' didn't escape her). Like always though she is doing what she does best and making sure everyone else is pleased with her – that her career is what the fans want, to avoid working out what _she _wants.)

But now he was back...all of those dreams were a reality again.

And it scared the hell out of her.

Carly took him to a couple of parties to mingle with various celebrities and even introduced him to James, who invited both of them out to dinner the night before Freddie left. The evening turned out to be one of the most awkward occasions Carly had ever experienced.


	2. Chapter 2

Carly and Freddie met up with James at a restaurant in the centre of LA.

"Freddie this is my boyfriend James," She said as they sat down. "James this is...my best fr – this is Freddie."

"Nice to meet you." James's said.

"Same here."

They shook hands across the table and although Carly had promised herself she wouldn't compare them, she was struck at the differences between the two boys (men now). James's was the A-typical model his reputation advertised: Tall, dark haired and tanned with classic features – a chiselled jaw, full lips and striking blue eyes that contrasted with his hair perfectly.

Although not bad looking Freddie was _bland_ in comparison, like a stick figure. Brown hair and brown eyes and brown freckled skin. When James's walked in he was literally a head above everyone else, you looked at him to see a whirl of black and blue and white-teeth flashes. Freddie just blended in with the landscape.

They ordered drinks.

"So, Freddie," James said pleasantly. "I haven't heard much about you. How do you know Carly?"

James reached for her hand as he spoke and Carly avoided Freddie's hurt gaze. She _had _mentioned Freddie to James but in the last year it had got too painful.

But she couldn't tell Freddie any of this, so she stayed silent.

"I used to live in the apartment next to hers." Freddie said to James. "We kind of grew up together."

James nodded slowly, one eyebrow raised. "Childhood friends, huh? Were you the boy next door? Did you share milkshakes? Carry her schoolbooks?"

"Something like that."

"He was also the technical producer on my web show," Carly added quickly. "Remember I showed you clips of ICarly? We worked together on that for a long time..._and_ he was involved in some of the movies I was in."

"Involved? What were you: an errand boy? Stage hand? Extra in the crowd scene – that must have been pretty exciting."

"I was a producer."

For a moment she could see an expression of surprise flash across James's face at Freddie's terse answer. His eyebrows quirked, forming a questioning V.

"_That _Freddie?" He said incredulously. "_Fredward_ _Benson_? The one who helped produce Falling Leaves?"

Freddie nodded silently and Carly breathed a sigh of relief: Falling Leaves had been the last movie Freddie had been involved with and the most successful with one sequel already out. Hopefully James would relax a bit now, and realize he wasn't hanging out with a complete nobody.

(Because, she told herself that was why he was so confrontational. This was Hollywood after all and connecting with the right people was important if you wanted to get anywhere. James was always careful about that).

_Yeah right Carly. _

"So, what happened?" James drawled, "Didn't someone say you ran away to find yourself or something? What was it? A retreat in the outback? I've heard they Australians are pretty into that stuff."

"I did a degree in Computer Science."

"Have fun?"

"Sure, due to start my post-grad at the end of summer."

"Well – good for you. It's nice to think there's some normality out there. Keeping it real."

"Right."

"I guess some people just aren't cut out for all this," James said seriously. "It's a pretty competitive world, you know?"

Freddie bent his head over his drink and to her surprise Carly found her usually peaceful hands curling into fists.

"I suppose so." He said uncomfortably.

"Not everyone can make it. You need real character. When I got my first big break the adjustment was pretty hard but I got there. I guess you – some people – just aren't tough enough."

"Uh huh"

Freddie nodded again and Carly's teeth were aching from clenching. Thankfully they were interrupted from saying anything by their meals arriving.

She jumped slightly as James settled an arm around her shoulders. This was such a surprising gesture that she scanned the restaurant for any Paparazzi: which were the normal cause for his attentions. No, zero camera's in sight: maybe he was really making an effort for her. (_Liar. _She told herself).

Swallowing, she tried to settle into his embrace – squirming as she did so. It felt awkward to be cuddling up to her boyfriend while Freddie sat opposite, watching her with worried eyes. She tried to ignore him.

Her boyfriend continued to warble on, leaving Freddie and Carly to eat in silence. James seemed to have exhausted insulting Freddie for now which Carly was devoutly grateful for. Of course he went on about it about his modelling/acting/fans/social connections but Carly had had enough practice to simply tune out by now.

...Until her name jerked her back.

"What was that?" She asked. "Sorry I must have zoned out."

"You're such a ditz." He said, rolling his eyes. "I was talking about the modelling opportunity I arranged for you...Although you've probably told Freddie all about that already."

Freddie frowned at her and Carly's stomach sunk. She couldn't deal with this confrontation now.

"Told me all about what?" Freddie asked her.

"Oh, just a job for this summer." She mumbled awkwardly, "Some modelling stuff I might do...I'm not sure though."

"Not sure?" James snorted, "Don't be stupid Carly: it's an amazing opportunity. You need to raise your profile more it. You don't want to get left behind do you?"

"No, of course not." She backtracked hastily. "I'm still thinking it out; I'm just not sure if the modelling thing is really _me."_

"They'll be expecting to hear from you by the end of the week." He said stiffly, "You can't expect the chance to just wait for you."

"I know – there's still time. I'm wondering if I should just focus on the acting."

James pulled away from her and she could practically see the storm cloud gathering inside his head. Inside her own head something crumpled: it was so hot in the restaurant and a headache was beginning to pound around her right temple. She just wanted to pay the bill, grab poor Freddie and get away from this relationship. (There she'd said it out loud. She wanted to get away. What kind of girl wanted to get _away _from her boyfriend?)

Instead James seemed to be gearing for a sparring match – which Carly knew from experience she _never_ won.

"Carly." He began edgily. "I've talked to you about this. You can't keep holding yourself back: Hollywood is a competitive place and you need to put yourself out there."

"Ok, but –"

"No _buts. _You're my girlfriend Carly but we both know this won't work unless we're on the same page. Do we want what's best for each other or not?"

The headache had burst in with full force now and as the 'getting out' option was impossible Carly thought she'd find herself collapsing across the table.

"Of course I do," She agreed wearily.

"Right and that's all I'm trying to do here: I'm just trying to help _you _and I really think this modelling contract is the way to –"

"Hey!" Freddie snapped. "Give her a break; she can make her own decisions."

James turned on him and Carly flinched.

"No one asked for your involvement."

"_You_ don't ask anyone for _anything _– including Carly." Freddie spat back. "If she doesn't want to do this modelling contract then leave her alone!"

They glared at each other across the table. James balled up his fists up so tightly Carly was surprised his knuckles didn't crack but Freddie looked just as angry which she found surprising for her normally good-natured friend. He so rarely got angry, why he was cracking now?

Hoping to cool the situation down Carly swallowed and laid a hesitant hand on her boyfriend's arm.

"James –"

He shook her off. "Stay out of this."

He turned back to Freddie and narrowed his eyes. "Now listen, _Freddie_:" He said harshly, "I don't care if you two 'grew up together' or how long you've known Carly. She is _my_ girlfriend and some loser who didn't have the guts to make it around here isn't going to change that."

"James!" She looked at Freddie frantically. "I'm so sorry Freddie, please don't think that..."

Freddie just shook his head and laughed. James scowled.

"_What?"_

"I find it funny that you're so pathetic." Freddie said simply, standing up. "And that I don't have to listen to this."

"Where are you _going_?"

"Preferably somewhere with human size meals. Here:" He pulled out a couple of crumpled notes from his pocket and dropped them on the table. "That should cover me and Carly. I'll leave you to pay for your own."

James gazed at him blankly and Freddie smiled. "Thanks for the company, it was great. And Carly – I'll see you back at the apartment. Bye."

The two of them watched silently as he walked away, coolly strolling out of the doors and refusing to look back.

"Well," James shrugged after the doors closed. "Thank goodness _he's _gone."

She could tell he expected her to say nothing like usual but it was like her (former?) best friend had set off a spark in her and every word he said was feeding it flame. In just one night, Freddie had brought back all the thoughts she'd been suppressing for years. That she couldn't remember being happy since he left, and even then it had been over ten years since she'd really enjoyed life.

She'd thought she had to deal with this. She thought her personal life was worth sacrificing for Hollywood. She'd determinedly _not _thought about James, and how the hell she got into this relationship with him originally. And why she was with him now.

But she didn't have to put up with this.

"Shut up." She said quietly.

"What?"

"I said shut _UP!_" She hissed. "You didn't have to treat him like that! Were you annoyed or jealous or – or –"

"Jealous! Of him?" He laughed derisively. "He's a nobody Carly, forget him. You're bigger than that."

She stared at her boyfriend of nine months, his voice echoing in her head. _Not everyone can be like ma and Carly, we need normal people...I guess some people aren't cut out for this..._

Maybe he was right, it was difficult world – she couldn't afford to be weak.

_**...She can make her own decisions...**_

Freddie.

"You arsehole." She said, suddenly aware her voice was trembling. "You complete and utter arsehole." She stood up shaking. "I'm going home, to talk to Freddie and apologize for what you said. He was right – I don't have to listen to this."

As she reached to get her bag from the seat James grabbed her wrist. Carly gasped and tugged at him.

"Let go of me!"

He gripped her harder. "I'm warning you." He said. "If you go now – to run after him then we're over. I'm not having you treat me like this Carly. He's not worth it, not matter how 'friendly' you two are."

She stopped pulling and met his eyes: They glinted back at her – dark, furious and more attractive than ever.

_You can't keep holding yourself back...we need to be on the same page...he's a nobody Carly...forget him...you're bigger than that..._

"Fine!" She spat and wrenched her arm away. "We're over."

She stormed out of the restaurant, her blood rushing to her cheeks, heart riding some strange, giddy high and his final words ringing through her mind.

X-X

Freddie was waiting for her when she got back.

"Hey!" He said, leaping up as she came through the door. "Are you ok?"

She shrugged and leaned wearily against the wall. "Yeah, I'm fine."

He stared at her.

"Are you sure? Things got pretty crazy back there. I was wondering if you want to talk –"

"I said I'm _fine _Freddie!" She snapped. "Now leave me_ alone_!"

She tried to push past him but he stood his ground.

"You're not _fine! _Dammit Carly, have you looked at yourself recently?"

She flinched. "Freddie..."

"I've tried to keep quiet, honestly I have but this is crazy!"

"I..."

"None of it's you, can't you see that? The money, the pressure, your reputation, _James _– what's happened?"

"I was just – just –"

"Just _what? _You're in Hollywood. I get that. It's not easy being a celebrity and all of that crap, but what about _you _Carly? You used to love acting. You did it because it was _fun, _now you've turned into this robot that's just in it for the fame. What the hell's going on Carly?"

Freddie waited. She didn't say anything.

"Carly?"

"What do you want me to say? She exploded. "Don't you think I know all of that? I don't need you to tell me my life's a mess! I don't know what to _do_ any more Freddie: Sam's so happy I don't want to ruin that for her, Spencer's in Seattle and there's James and all these directors and I haven't got anyone _real_ left!"

She collapsed to the ground and covered her face with her hands. It was so déjà of the day he'd arrived that she would have laughed if she'd had any energy left in her.

"You've got me." He whispered, crouching down beside her.

"You!" She cried, suddenly furious. "You _left_! This was our dream: you, me and Sam – L.A, movies – this_ life_! It's what we wanted. Only you've both abandoned it and part of me is angry at you for that but part of me is so jealous that you said _no _and I didn't."

"Carly –"

"And now I'm stuck in the middle again while you guys _don't _live the dream and I live it and don't at the same time because I don't know what to choose anymore. Sometimes I think I'm an idiot and I should just be happy here; but at others all I want to do is pack my bags and follow you and be _me _again! But it doesn't matter because neither of you need me and I can't admit that_ I_ need _you_ because_ I'm_ meant to be the strong one!"

She was sobbing outright now, huddled against the wall with tears blotching her face. She was sure this was the most ugly she has looked in months – on or off the camera.

But this moment couldn't be caught by _anyone_ (directors, scouts, paparazzi, James) – except Freddie. And instead of telling her to 'get over it' like they would, he wrapped his arms around her and let her cry into his chest instead.

"I was sure I never needed you." She mumbled into the dark fabric. "It was always the other way round: I was Carly Shay the one who had it all together. But then you left and I _missed _you so much that it ached and I realized that actually..." She trailed off so he tightened his arms and he didn't say anything for a long time. The minutes passed.

"I'm sorry." She whispered, when she could breathe again. "I shouldn't have put you through that."

"It's fine."

She rocked back on her haunches to look at him. Freddie's brown eyes were filled with nothing but concern but she suddenly felt self-conscious.

She quickly wiped her cheeks with her sleeve and pulled away. To her surprise he grabbed her wrists.

"Don't go." He said hoarsely.

Her stomach pooled with what felt like lead and she had to blink back _more _tears coming her way.

"What?" She asked wavering. "What are you going to say? You're twenty seven years old Carly and can take care of yourself? Don't blame me for making the wrong choices? Do it again so I can get a photo –"

"Come with me."

"_What_?"

"Come with me." He repeated. "To Europe. I'm flying out next week; we can book you a seat."

She gasped at him, the heavy substance vanishing to leave an open bottom.

"I can't." She insisted automatically. "The timings all wrong Freddie and –"

"The timings perfect Carly and you know it. I've got a few months before I'm due back at MIT, you haven't agreed to this modelling contract yet, you're not booked for any movies and it will give you space to think everything out. If you decide that this _is _the life you want to live you can come back anytime...and if not then you can register at some college and we'll go back to being normal again. "

Only Freddie could make _running away to Europe together_ sound sensible and she was about to freak again because he's always been her rock to hang to, the only sane thing in her crazy world and if he started spinning to she doesn't know how she'll cope.

But he_ did_ sound so logical and calm and reasonable that she relaxed on reflex.

"Well..."

"Carly." He pleaded, kneeling in front of her. "I know you think this is crazy and insane and stupid but I've thought about, honestly I have. The whole time I've been here, seeing you again...Just think about."

She looked at him: his eyes shining with tears that mirrored her own, his lips trembling _ever _so slightly – and nodded.

"I'll think about it."

Freddie smiled and she must have forgotten just how _bright _his smile was because the whole apartment suddenly felt lighter despite the fact they were still sitting in a dark room with all the lights out.

"Thank you." He said quietly and released her hands to stand up.

"What time do you leave?" She asked.

"My flight isn't for a couple of days but I'm heading home to get my stuff – so about seven I guess."

She nodded again; it was so little time to think: a few hours at the most. He helped her up and pulled her into a tight hug. Carly gripped her arms around his shoulder blades and buried her face in his chest, fighting back more tears.

They stood there for a long moment, rocking backwards and forwards. Eventually Freddie coughed and pulled.

"Anyway I'd better head to bed. I'll say goodbye in the morning, when you...decide. Goodnight."

"Night Freddie."

As he turned to walk down the hall Carly was caught by a desperation to say something, _anything _to understand what was going through his head.

"Freddie!" She called,

He turned around. "Yeah?"

"Why are you doingthis?" (_Coming back, offering to run away, saving me). _

Freddie looked at her and in the dark passage she couldn't make out his expression anymore. That thought scared her because the one person she could _always _understand was him. Then he walked back to stand in front of her and the shadows fell away.

"Because I've given up giving up on you." He said so quietly, it was barely breath on her cheek,

"_What?" _

He smiled wanly. "I tried you know: moving away, going to College, dating other girls. But it never worked."

She stared at him, at his nose which was only inches from hers and wondered if this was real.

"It sucks you know: the whole unrequited thing. When you left for Italy, and we kissed. I thought that might be the beginning of something. _Finally. _But then when you came back we got so swept up in the movie stuff, all our stuff was forgotten again. Then I realized how much I hated this place and the only reason I was in it was because of you and that was just pathetic. So I left. And now I've built a life for myself with friends and a future career that I _will _go back to but..."

He stuttered mid sentence and stopped, flushing a beet red which made her want to scream with frustration. Romantic heroes weren't meant to clam up during their monologue: Romeo never would have done it.

"But _what_?"

"But I've realized that I'm never going to let go of you." He said. "It's you, it's always been you and whether you accept it or not, I love you and that's always going to be part of me."

He swallowed and a part of Carly's mind watched his Adams apple bob up and down as proof of how nervous he was.

"I didn't come to tell you that." He promised seriously. "I don't expect you to love me back or fall into my arms or anything dumb like that. But I wanted to make sure you were_ ok_ and the Carly _I _knew was still in there somewhere because..." He paused for a final time.

"_Because_...?"

"Because I can deal with you not loving me." He said, "...but I can't deal with not having a you to love. Does that make sense?"

She's stands there dumbly.

"Carly?"

"I thought you were over me." She said numbly. "Ages ago. Since...Sam."

He smiled sadly. "I know. I wanted you to think that. I was sick of being pathetic. I wanted to move on. Sam was part of that. But..." He hesitated.

"But what?'

"Look it sounds corny but...but it's just part of me you know? Like Sam's love of meat, or Spencer's creativeness or your way of drawing everyone in. Loving you is part of who I am. It just is."

She blinked and felt tears pricking at her eyelids. Freddie gave a soft, heartbreaking smile and on impulse leaned forward to kiss her on the cheek. His lips were gentle and light, barely brushing the skin and _then –_

"Goodbye Carly."

He walked along to his room and closed the door.

Carly sat alone.

X-X

Freddie loved her. _Still. _

She's not sure how to feel about this: It's mad and crazy and just a bit wonderful.

He's never been her Prince Charming or her glamorous boyfriend. She hasn't thought about (tried not to think about) him in _that _way for years. He is just _Freddie. _

And besides she'd pushed him away too many times for there to be any hope of a 'them' anymore.

Apparently not.

But does she want a 'them'? That's the question.

She got up and got ready for bed, lying in the dark with her head buzzing.

Freddie said the decision shouldn't be about _him. _She can go without any obligation.

But Carly knows for her, the choice _is_ about Freddie. He didn't expect to be loved back. But then he didn't know she's been fighting the truth for years. (And why should he? She never told him).

To stay or to go?

She thinks about her life in Hollywood: the parties spent puking and the constant hounding from the paparazzi, but also the thrill of walking along the catwalk and seeing your face splashed across papers. _Being someone._

Then she thinks about leaving. Not doing anything drastic, just going College like she'd planned before and studying something totally mundane like Geography or Education. Not that she was amazing at those subjects or anything, but it would be nice to work at something different again.

But still was it worth giving _this _up? And for _Freddie_?

She thinks of food fights and private move nights, secret dances and whispered conversations across the hall.

And Carly knows what to do.

X-X

When Freddie came out of his room the next morning, the house was silent. He sighed and grabbed his bag, casting a glance behind him.

He comes into the passage to find Carly is standing outside, a single backpack slung over her shoulder.

He looked at her. She smiled.

"Are you ready?"

She locks the door behind them and doesn't look back. But as they walk away, she reaches out to grab his hand. He squeezes back, and a wave of happiness rushes through her.

Yes. He's _just _Freddie.

And really, that's all she's ever needed.


End file.
